Funny Status Messages

   Waiting outside my door for a ice cream truck to passes by ohh wait I hear the music.

   think that if there wasnt a last minute she wouldnt get anything done

   I told his wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked him in the cellar

   if you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

   had a really good day, but today wasn't it.

   staring at a Orange Juice box coz it says concentrate

   using your wifi

   wondering WHY does Barnes & Noble have all their books on back pain on the bottom shelf? WTF?!

   If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

   If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

   When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you're pretty much dead no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.

   Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

   probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

   grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying.

   I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

   So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it.

   invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.

   says if humans have evolved from apes then why are the apes still around

   slept with his girlfriend's younger sister. She found out and said, "You disgust me." I said, "We never discussed you at all.

   who are you people and where is my horse?