SEAN Funny Status Messages

   I'll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where's my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I'm here! Under your jacket!"

   I tried to give the kids piggie back rides and now they're covered in mud and hog bites. Farms are stupid.

   I'll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn't just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

   Fortune cookies should have more useful information on them… like… never feed tacos to a child you're potty training.

   I got locked outta my car @ WalMart so I start to pry it open w/ a hanger. then some idiot asks LOCKED OUT OF UR CAR? no.. just washed it & hangin it out to dry

   I find SpongeBob to be a little self-absorbed.

   Hey Dos Equis... we drink beer to become quenched, not to "stay thirsty." You might want to work on that slogan, brainiac.

   Black History Month should be called "Four Weeks Of Morgan Freeman's Voiceover Work"

   "Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I'm doing nothing right now... it's totally possible.

   Just watched Jersey Shore for 5 minutes and now I realize why we have to do things like write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.

   I'm going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn't enough

   Looked at the label and the "Muscle Milk" I'm drinking "contains no milk". Great. Next I'll probably find out it's not made of ground muscle.

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   It's quite ironic. Whitney used to do commercials for Pepsi, then spend all the money she made on Coke

   Adele swept at the Grammys. Not to be confused with Vanilla Ice, who swept after the Grammys because that's his job at the Staples Center.

   The most impressive thing about Beyonce and Jay-Z as parents, is how dedicated they are to giving Blue Ivy® a normal life.

   Really tired of homeless people tweeting photos of the garbage they're about to eat.

   I didn't think my hangover was that bad until I spent 10 minutes logging into my nephew's Etch-a-sketch

   Amputees may take risks, but they never go out on a limb.

   If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. #fail