Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.
←Rate | 09-17-2019 08:05 by GlimmerTriplet Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had this crazy nightmare where I actually enjoyed my job. Thank God I woke up before my boss walked in.
←Rate | 09-16-2019 20:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese* wife [sitting in the hot tub] Noooooooo
←Rate | 09-17-2019 13:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
←Rate | 09-18-2019 08:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Spider: Why are you terrified by me? Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
←Rate | 09-18-2019 08:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need more friends who understand that I still want to be invited but I'm not going to go.
←Rate | 09-17-2019 06:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
←Rate | 09-18-2019 08:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My husband told me he thinks he folded the towels right, so I told him I think he might get lucky tonight... ...and now he's refolding them.
←Rate | 09-18-2019 08:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
←Rate | 09-18-2019 08:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My new boss walked into my office and asked me if I had a sec... I replied, "sure, I have lots of secs!" Things have been very awkward since then.
←Rate | 09-18-2019 14:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best way to serve eggs for breakfast? Omelette you guys decide..
←Rate | 09-19-2019 04:44 by Joe Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”
←Rate | 08-25-2019 15:41 by PongLenis Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
←Rate | 09-10-2019 15:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A 2018 Harris Poll said Taco Bell was voted the best Mexican Restaurant in the U.S. This, Folks, is why we have the Electoral College.
←Rate | 08-31-2019 20:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They need to make realistic commercials for beds & mattresses. They always show a couple, never a guy with a dog asleep on his chest.
←Rate | 08-20-2019 12:46 Comments (0)  

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