thejoke.cafe Funny Status Messages

   My wife wanted to try something different in bed last night. So we had sex.

   I walked into a florist today and said “I want a bunch of flowers for my wife.” The cashier looked at me and said, “What are you after?” I said, “Some sex.”

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

   "Sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head." — John. F. Kennedy

   What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

   I may be getting older, but I remember back in my day, if you took pics of yourself to show all your mates, you were a faggot.

   After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear today.

   I was telling my wife how my New Years resolution is to try and be a happier person. “That’s lovely” she said, giving me a hug. “I’m glad you think so” I replied. “Your bag’s by the front door”.

   My New Year’s resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent. 7. Learn to count.

   For my New Year’s Resolution, I have decided to only smoke after sex. If 2016 is anything to go by, I’ve quit.

   I hope you all have a prosperous New Year … I may have to borrow money.

   I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.

   My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall. And I plan on sticking to it.

   My New Years resolution is simple…. Remember to write 2017 instead of 2016

   Carrie Fisher was found unconscious by a relative,who tried to revive her with chest compressions. Unfortunately, the force wasn't strong enough.

   Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf... but he didn't listen.

   Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?

   What is the biggest city in America ? Obesity.

   Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample ovee others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

   Kanye West is said to be recovering well in hospital after an 8 hour operation to remove his head from his ass.