sms Funny Status Messages

   Do beavers even know what they're doing? Or do they just see water flowing down a river and think, "Absolutely not!"

   Betty White deserves better than to inherit this mess of a planet when we die

   Well it was a solid 5 days. Here's to 2022! 🥂

   Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis

   You couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

   Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

   Please, write your comments down on the back of a $20 dollar bill and send them to me.

   Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

   We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.

   You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.

   Never weed wack poison ivy in the nude.

   Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents

   Always remember to pillage before you burn.

   am not single, I'm romantically challenged.

   Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding.

   When I was young, we didn't have MTV. We had to take drugs and go to rock concerts.

   The Lawyer's Creed: "A man is innocent until proven broke."

   The bad guys don't always wear black hats, the good guys rarely win, and the cavalry never, ever shows up just in the nick of time!

   Captain's log, stardate 41358.2. I am nailed to the hull.

   Sometimes I think that if there were a third sex, men wouldn't get so much as a glance from me.