paul Funny Status Messages

   Why do we buy bacon and fry it yet we buy frozen french fries and bake them??

   It is depressing to pull the tag off of your boxer shorts and a parachute opens.

   I pooped the other day and called it Peter. That is the closest I have come to playing Call of Duty.

   I don't mind that my wife yells at me sometimes and tells me "You need to stop joking around so much and be more serious", I just wish she wouldn't do it when I am naked.

   Just once I would love to get a junk email that read..."P*nis englargment?? No way dude! You are set! Forget I even sent this message." Is that too much to ask???

   Can't believe they've made a Taken 2...Liam Neeson must be an even worse father than Gerry McCann

   What idiot driver on the freeway next to me this morning was trying to floss while driving, he was swerving all over the place. The jerk nearly made me drop my newspaper and my phone!!!

   who was the idiot who made umbrella handles out of metal? it is like making a shark bite suit out of meat..

   What the heck do you mean a can of Pringles is not considered ONE serving??!!

   Some people don't need an "Easy" button, they need a "STFU" button.

   I hear the "Occupy Wall Street" movement is headed to Las Vegas. Wow, seems like a pretty big gamble if you ask me.

   I gave three women Corona's today and not one of them appeared in a bikini! Dang false advertising!!

   I type so badly that my auto-correct feature has a standard response of "WTF?".

   Why when you checkout at a liquor store do they tell you "Have a nice night". Is that not a given?

   I hate when a singer I can't stand comes out with a song that is UNLIKE them and I like it and don't even realize it is them. Then someone tells me who it is and it ruins the song for me.

   I read where it said that having sex burns 4 calories per minute. I mean come on, are you serious? This has to be worng. How was this ever verified? A WHOLE minute??

   If you are ordering Chinese food and ask them for Miso soup, and they are out of it, do they tell you Miso sorry??

   If you LOL and no one is around, do you make a sound?

   Tonight is a Jim Croce night. I most definitely will be spending some time in a bottle!

   Do you think having a fifth of Jack means something different to a cannibal?