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If I was to ever own a race horse I would name it "Two Trailer Park Girls" and train it to go 'round the outside just I can hear the caller do an Eminem impression!
Have you heard they came out with a "NEW" Seven Dwarfs? Moody, Pissy, B*tchy, Tipsy, Clutzy, Crabby and his twin Crappy. They all live in my house cleverly disguised as my family! Want to come over?
My boss walks by my desk almost everyday and says, "Wake Up" even though I am clearly awake. So today I replied, "How could anyone sleep with the strong odor of bullsh*t around here anyway, but they always say you can't smell yourself like others can."
No NBA this year?! Great! I don't like watching overpaid athletes in baggy shorts run up and down a basketball court anyway. I'd rather watch overpaid athletes in tight pants run up and down a football field or around a diamond.
Today is Moon Day and Ugly Truck Day. So if you own an Ugly Truck, please feel free to Moon people today, but for safety's sake please only do it at red lights.
This week is Nude Recreation Week, in related news today is Cheer Up The Lonely Day and World Population Day. I think this is an excellent combination because if you play it right you can celebrate all 3 at one time!
Dear George Clooney, I see you finally took my advice & broke up with that floozie, Elisabetta. Now you & I can get on with what is meant to be-US! You have my number, I left it for you on millions of texts,emails& letters. Pick up the phone, it's ok dear
Dear God, If the world is going to end on Saturday, please accept my request for forgiveness for what I am about to do on Friday. Sincerely, Your Number One Fan
I used to think that Bert & Ernie were gay men living together. Then I came to my senses and realized that no true gay man would have exceptionally bad hair, a hidious unibrow and wear those terrible clothes. Rock on B & E!
Dear Dora, How do you get that t-shirt to fit over your head? Please tell me your secret because I would like to fit into these size 5 jeans. Sincerely, The Average Sized Woman
Today is National Margarita Day, however, it is also National Humble Day and National Walk the Dog Day. Guess I will go home and fix a Margarita, hook the dog up to the treadmill and hide in the closet while drinking said Margarita.