Stevielea Funny Status Messages

   Next time you visit someone with Alexa. "Alexa set 3am alarm with horror movie sounds."

   "Can I get a coke please?" "Nope is pepsi ok" "Do you do updog?" "What's updog?" " Not much...and no pepsi is not ok".

   "you da bomb" - " No you da bomb" In America - a compliment. In the middle East - an argument.

   Thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, then realized it said "THICK CUT"

   Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. For skills I possess when shaving my nuts that I could apply to other aspects of my life!

   Gonna go lay under the Christmas tree to remind my family I'm a gift!!

   FOUR STAGES OF A MANS LIFE : 1. You believe in santa. 2. You don't believe in santa. 3. You are santa. 4. You look like santa.

   My friend hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. He gets his snickers in a twix.

   My grandpa was so competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last, he said, "Staring contest......GO".

   I've just bought the personalized number plate baa baa. For my black jeep.

   Having a child is like having a little broke ass best friend!

   When does hibernation start? Because I'm 100% participating in that!!

   My ability to remember song lyrics from the 80's far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.

   Don't you hate it when you think you see a good parking spot but then you turn the corner and Stuart f@&k!Ng little is parked there.

   Why weigh yourself when you could set yourself on fire then roll in broken glass and feel the same way!

   Most people wake up feeling like a million bucks, me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.

   FACT : If someone is playing Xmas music in October, you're legally allowed to kill them and use their corpse as a Halloween decoration.

   If I've learned anything in my 23 years on earth, it's that it's okay to lie about your age.

   Drinking rum before 10am makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic!

   Never trust a person who doesn't sing along to Bohemian rhapsody when it comes on the radio!