Rickster Funny Status Messages

   I watched about five minutes of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter on Netflix. That may be the worst thing that has happened to Abraham Lincoln in a theater

   Ironically "Chumbawamba" totally got knocked down and never got up again

   I bet Pavlov felt like feeding the dogs every time a bell rang

   Stuff your mask with M&Ms so you can eat them all day long like a horse

   Revenge is a dish best served eventually

   20 years ago no one knew what gluten was. Now there are like three people left in the world who can eat a bagel

   I think I have this figured out .... politicians are a bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people by telling the poor people that the "Other" rich people are the reason they are poor

   My 5 year plan is to survive this year

   Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of me to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps

   Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at a time

   Locust swarms. Killer ninja murder hornets. Virus pandemics. You were complaining about Christmas music

   Pavlov is sitting in a bar and the phone rings. Suddenly he screams “Oh crap! I forgot to feed the dogs!“

   We have so much in common. You love to travel and I want you to go

   You know, with my cats seeming enjoyment for cleaning themselves I’m not sure why they don’t have a cat food called Kibbles & Butts

   All our dogs think we are staying home every day just for them and all of our cats are thinking we got fired from our jobs because we are the losers they always knew we were

   Taylor Swift and Adele are basically the same age. Mind blown!

   I'm just sitting here thinking about all of the people from high school that signed my yearbook that I have let down by not "staying cool"

   How come the same people who don’t trust the government telling us to stay home all of a sudden trust the government when they tell us it’s OK to go back?

   I asked my North Korean friend how it was there and he said "I can't complain"

   I really hate when people constantly need reassurance. You know what I mean?