Mike M Funny Status Messages

   When someone hands me a Bible, I flip it open and autograph it. Then I hand it back (as they look very confused), I smile and say.. "It's always nice to meet a fan!"

   People who say "May the 4th be with you" are the same people who say "see you next year" at the employee Christmas party.

   The road to recovery from my addiction to sexual innuendos has been a long and hard one. But the end is in sight... I can see it coming.

   Farts are a poop's way of texting, "On my way."

   So if Jesus doesn't see his shadow when he comes out of his cave this Sunday, does that mean we get 2,000 more years of hell on earth?

   Cinco de Mayo is actually about a ship full of mayonnaise that sank off the coast of Mexico.

   May you have the luck of the Irish and starve today because you can't find potatoes!

   Honestly officer, it's not my fault... Jesus took the wheel...

   I don't always drink milk, but when I do.... I prefer Dos Boobies. Stay thirsty my friends...

   I feel sorry for the adjective "flaccid" for it will forever be associated with that one thing...

   Wow!  That's wasn't a fart... I think I just backfired! 

   Well'p just saw my fb friend count go down a notch... I wonder if it's something I might have said....

   I got some mail yesterday that says, "Tiime-Sensitive Material Enclosed." So I guess I gotta keep it away from clocks...

   When someone complains about facebook making changes, what they really mean is, "I just barely learned how to turn on my computer this year."

   I have a low tolerance for pain... but the up side I can endure A LOT of pleasure.

   I don't see it so much as a cushion. For me it's more of a fart-absorbing device.

   Why do meteorologists try and educate me on the workings of mother nature?  Dude, just tell me pants or shorts tomorrow...

   The guy in line in front of me has flowers, condoms, mints, deodorant, and Champagne. It's no secret what he's up to... Whereas my items are less revealing... toilet paper, Perpetration H, Imodium A-D, and stain remover.

   You know that hole in the glass at the movie theater that you talk through to get your tickets? I think that's called an askhole.

   "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a$$holes." ~William Gibson