Mickey Funny Status Messages

   Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.

   I have as much interest in golf as I have in golf.

   The sign at the florist's said, "Say It With Flowers." I go in and ordered one rose. The guy asks me if I'm cheap. I go, "No, I'm a man of few words."

   Wanna meet me at Taco Bell? The Day Without Illegal Migrants means we'll get plenty of sauce packets and napkins.

   If I've learned anything from social media, it's that we live on a planet that's disproportionately filled with inhabitants in possession of single digit IQ's.

   I'm telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can't walk for a month.

   I tried killing a spider with a can of cheap hairspray. Now it smokes two packs a day, joined a bowling league, wears blue eye shadow and calls itself Brenda.

   Life is a terminal disease, that is sexually transmitted.

   Throughout the 90's, during its infancy, the internet was referred to as the Information Superhighway. Little did we realize, that in such a short amount of time, it would unfortunately become the Misinformation Stupidhighway.

   Throughout the 90's, during its infancy, the internet was referred to as the Information Superhighway. Little did we realize, that in such a short amount of time, it would become the Information Stupidhighway.

   For those of you who don't have a significant other to spend Valentine's Day with, kindly resist the temptation to brag about it.

   White Americans killing off other Americans is a psychological issue, not an ideological one.

   Polling showed 27% of the USA bet on Atlanta to win. Must've been conducted by CNN.

   Ladies, If a guy mutes the volume during the Super Bowl when you sit down next to him, you need to do one thing. Marry him.

   I thought Super Bowl LI was a Pho Soup special at a Vietnamese restaurant.

   "Dating" is an anachronistic, nebulous means of defining a relationship. All it means is both parties are duping each other into some degree of permanency. Wait...that's marriage. I meant marriage.

   My doctor needed a stool, a ur-ine, a se-men and a blood sample. I gave him my underwear.

   You want to gauge how dumb people are these days? No, don't look at Dept. of Education stats, SAT scores or even IQ's. Listen closely to someone ahead of you at a fast food drive thru place an order.

   I wish people would stop saying the husbands of the women who marched didn't get a sandwich that day. Have you seen those women? No way any of them have a husband.

   South Americans. They gave the world coffee and tomatoes. It was all downhill from there.