M.A.C. Funny Status Messages

   FYI – If I tell you that you’re “special to me”, know that I’m just trying to be politically correct…

   Anyone get the feeling that it is going to take an act of God to change anything around here?

   I've always wonder who came up with the phrase "sh!ts and giggles", because the two have always been mutually exclusive for me....

   If anyone is wondering how to build a meth lab, Google apparently has directions on its homepage today…..

   I just saw an advertisement for a singles site that read, “Meet sincere singles over 40”. Thank you, but no thank you, as I'm in search of a deceitful woman...again.....

   Whenever I see small children on leashes, I'm always tempted to run up, scratch their bellies, and ask “How old in human years?”

   I think an aptitude test, ensuring the ability to change out the finished roll of toilet paper to a new role, should be required before you are allowed to breed....

   I'm going to take a much needed break from reality, so I'm logging off, and getting some work done...

   When someone says, “…please don't take this the wrong way, but…” Prepare to be judged by someone who wishes to judge you, but doesn't want to feel like an ass about it….

   The floggings will continue until morale improves...

   My boss doesn't like it when I play slavery songs at work….

   [This status has been removed for violating thought processes]

   When the hell did my delusions of grandeur, turn into delusions of adequacy?!?

   I'm pretending to be hungover today, so nobody at work gets the wrong impression of me...the last thing I want to be labled is a responsible adult...

   I can't remember the last time I've enjoyed St. Patrick's Day....which means I'm doing it right!!

   NEVER trust a leprechaun who tells you that you can rub off a little “luck of the Irish”….the only happy ending will be his…..

   Drinking green beer makes you no more Irish, than drinking tiger's blood makes you a blubbering, coked-out douchebag….oh….wait….

   I truly believe that the key difference between men and women, is that a man can break a woman's heart, but a woman will sh!t IN a man's heart...

   I feel like punching baby kittens, whenever I see ungrateful douchebags yell at their smartphone, because it's taking more than a minute to upload something….YOU'RE GETTING A SIGNAL FROM SPACE…GIVE IT A MINUTE…

   NEVER let someone know what annoys you...or you will fuel their fire...