CJ Funny Status Messages

   Next time I see a car with like, 90 stick children on it, I am taping a condom to the window.

   I must confess...I want to get back with my ex..LOL just kidding! I would rather Sh*t in my hand and clap!!!

   It's time for my weekly game of, "Let's see how long I can drive with my gas light on."

   My relationship status just changed to sweatpants oreos and netflix!

   With all do respect to Whitney (may she RIP), why did she not fix her child's teeth!!

   apparently just having one of those days....tonight is definitely going to be sponsored by Coors light!!

   I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

   Debt collectors calling you? They dont call ME anymore after I answer the phone "Homicide, Detective Smith speaking, please give me your full name and direct affiliation with the victim who's phone you've just called." Problem solved!

   They say, "You are what you eat" That's funny. I don't remember eating a sexy beast this morning.

   B*tch please, I can remove 99% of your so called "Beauty" with a kleenex.

   Having kids is a lot like living in a frat house. Everythings sticky and your not quite sure why...

   Summer where all the days run into each other and every day is a saturday night!

   Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, by the end you will wish you had a club and a spade.

   After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

   No guy in the history of America has ordered a Smirnoff Ice at a bar without hating himself a little.

   May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house

   Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy and enjoy life!!

   If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

   Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

   When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.