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me: I'm just so tired of the monotony of my life, it's exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day target employee: you could probably just not come here as much? 
please ignore Schiff's dumb comment below
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
It's Mickey Mouse Day today. He made his debut on this day in 1928. He's 91 years old. He's gone from "It's a small world" to "It's an enlarged prostate."
You know you're old when the "I've fallen and I can't get up" ads aren't funny anymore.
The "Epstein Didn't Kill Himself" catch-phrase has lasted longer than he did in prison.
Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware...
Doctor: Are you sexually active? Me: I've got 21K followers on Twitter. Doctor: A simple "No" would have been sufficient.
My son doesn't always throw up, but when he does, he's already in bed.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it's not always the right time to clap your hands and show it. Mother in Law's funeral taught me that.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties. Now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
YES YES YES YES YES -me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
You know that song "Happy" by Pharrell? That's how annoying I am.
interviewer: what was your last job me: health angel interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock thats humerus no, I’m not sorry
I don't care what you call me as long as it's not on my phone.
(First date) Her: I like men who take charge. Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*