Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon me: I'm just so tired of the monotony of my life, it's exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
←Rate | 11-18-2019 15:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon please ignore Schiff's dumb comment below
←Rate | 11-18-2019 15:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 14:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's Mickey Mouse Day today. He made his debut on this day in 1928. He's 91 years old. He's gone from "It's a small world" to "It's an enlarged prostate."
←Rate | 11-18-2019 14:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know you're old when the "I've fallen and I can't get up" ads aren't funny anymore.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 14:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The "Epstein Didn't Kill Himself" catch-phrase has lasted longer than he did in prison.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 14:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 09:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 09:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware...
←Rate | 11-18-2019 09:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Doctor: Are you sexually active? Me: I've got 21K followers on Twitter. Doctor: A simple "No" would have been sufficient.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 09:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My son doesn't always throw up, but when he does, he's already in bed.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 09:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I now know that no matter how happy you are it's not always the right time to clap your hands and show it. Mother in Law's funeral taught me that.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 09:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties. Now I sneak out of parties to go to my house. ‬
←Rate | 11-18-2019 09:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon YES YES YES YES YES -me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
←Rate | 11-18-2019 08:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 08:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know that song "Happy" by Pharrell? That's how annoying I am.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 08:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon interviewer: what was your last job me: health angel interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
←Rate | 11-18-2019 08:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock thats humerus no, I’m not sorry
←Rate | 11-18-2019 08:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't care what you call me as long as it's not on my phone.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 08:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon (First date) Her: I like men who take charge. Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
←Rate | 11-18-2019 08:46 Comments (0)  


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