thejoke.cafe Funny Status Messages

   After dating for 2 months she wanted to meet my parents. I said baby chill...I waited 9 months to meet my own.

   Hillary Clinton should be the first f-president. I was going to say female but somebody deleted the 'emale'.

   I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

   Next time a woman tries to defend her insane weight gain with, “Well, I’ve had two children.” Reply with, what? for Breakfast?”

   My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hell did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”

   My girlfriend dumped me last week right after I broke my wrist. Just when I needed her the most.

   Sex with someone that doesn’t want to is rape. I thought that was marriage?

   My wife threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop with the endless flamingo impressions. So I had to put my foot down.

   I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”

   Women are natural born artists …….. From drawing eyebrows to drawing conclusions .

   My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn’t even know she sold them.

   I’m just a social drinker. Every time someone says, “I’ll have a drink”, I say, “Social I.”

   I can’t walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.

   If you rearrange the letters in the words Faith and Religion, you can make “Microwave.” No, don’t test it or question it, just believe me.

   Kim Kardashian held at gunpoint and made to put her clothes back on.

   It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most …

   I just got offered a great deal from Vodafone. A new Samsung phone and a free fire extinguisher.

   America’s policy of shooting first and asking questions later has always been their downfall. I mean, just think how useful King Kong could have been on September the 11th.

   I think I promised to have three beers, and be home by ten. I always get those two mixed up.

   I caught my wee brother sniffing my girlfriend’s knickers today. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’ve been wearing them all week.