totalpackage Funny Status Messages

   noticed the Weather Channel has a new show hosted by a dude named Peter Lik....How old do you have to be for that NOT to be funny because I evidently haven't reached it yet.

   I'm looking for sponsors to prove that money can't make me happy.....Please send generous donations so I can conduct my experiment! ツ

   I would like to congratulate myself on placing 18,476th in the "Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest!" ツ

   can't remember the last time I saw a commercial that didn't have to do with auto insurance, cars, beer, or b-o-n-e-r meds...

   I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive...but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".

   I gave up "Olympic Synchronized Swimming" for lent....This is gonna be tough!

   R.I.P. Rodney King...I'm not quite sure, but getting drunk and smoking "hippy lettuce" in the pool seems to be about as good of an idea as hiring Robert Wagner to be your swim coach...just sayin!

   Congress just passed a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon from one state to another....In other words, my trip out of town for Thanksgiving just got a lot more interesting.

   So the Chantix commercial says to call your doctor immediately if you experience a siezure...Is it just me or would it be pretty difficult to pick up the phone and dial while shaking violently?

   just spent the rest of my Halloween money on Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale.....I hope the trick-or-treaters are happy with some cough drops and a few beef bouillon cubes this year.

   After spending 90 bucks for a gas fill-up today, I'm starting to see the advantages of being Amish....

   I'm astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..

   The Steelers must have partied hard last night...They're still wearing their Halloween costumes! ツ

   it just me or is "Pink" and Billy Idol the same person?

   After suffering my 5000th stubbed toe, I believe now is the time to invent "Nerf" end tables!

   It's funny the only two states that legalized pot are sending their teams to the Super Bowl...I bet you won't be able to find a bag of Funyuns in the entire state of New Jersey.

   I've been looking for an inventive way to get rid of all the worthless telephone books that get dumped at my door step every year so....."Trick Or Treat" kiddos!!!

   I just started an online dating site for Siamese twins....It's called "Connect 4!"

   I'm trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can't find any Twinkie seeds. :/

   I look forward everyday to extending my streak of never watching a single minute of "The View"!