sms Funny Status Messages

   Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis

   We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.

   Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding.

   Please, write your comments down on the back of a $20 dollar bill and send them to me.

   am not single, I'm romantically challenged.

   When I was young, we didn't have MTV. We had to take drugs and go to rock concerts.

   Warning: Spelling errors in this message are the product of a poor school system. Pay teachures more than athletes.

   Never weed wack poison ivy in the nude.

   The Lawyer's Creed: "A man is innocent until proven broke."

   Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

   The bad guys don't always wear black hats, the good guys rarely win, and the cavalry never, ever shows up just in the nick of time!

   You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.

   3 Pints of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, a wrench, and handcuffs made out of Twizzlers. I'm ready for bootycall Friday night to begin!

   Always remember to pillage before you burn.

   Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents

   The opinions expressed here are not those of my employer, my wife, my church, or myself... But they are the opinions of Elvis as revealed to me through the medium of my pet hamster, Lee Harvey Oswald...

   There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman. - Groundskeeper Willie

   Well it was a solid 5 days. Here's to 2022! 🥂

   Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.

   Sometimes I think that if there were a third sex, men wouldn't get so much as a glance from me.