mickeybruce Funny Status Messages

   why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? for the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

   someday I'll sit down with my grandchildren to watch "Airplane" and they'll say, "I can't believe they used to just let people get on planes"

   going thru the airport scan today with a complete spiderman suit under my street clothes

   if being apathetic is wrong, then I don't care...

   has a feeling that the so-called "Highway To Hell" looks just like a Wal-Mart parking lot

   hates having to delete facebook "friends" that I like, even though they don't give a crap about me. I wish there was a facebook jail to put them in for 30 days.

   ...little boy writes to Santa: please send me a sister. Santa writes to little boy: ok, send me your mother.

   you should probably just let your "Honor Student" drive. You are obviously an idiot.

   Mr. Peanut's last words: Bye, dear. Back in a Jif.

   making my own four loko in a blender: a bottle of vodka, 4 red bulls, a bottle of cherry nyquil and a McRib. I'll be in the bathroom if you need me.

   halfway through eating a horse and realized... I'm not as hungry as I thought

   ...thinks animal testing is a terrible idea. they get all nervous and give the wrong answers anyway

   ...roses are red, violets are blue, I'm doing my laundry so I don't smell like you.

   ...this year in California, the most popular Halloween mask is Arnold Schwartzenegger. The great thing about it is: with a mouthful of candy, you'll sound just like him!

   ...Sorry, Christine O'Donnell, you are NOT smarter than a 5th grader. Thank you for playing, please accept these lovely parting gifts, and GTFO.

   if you're dressing up like Snooki tonight, allow me to help by rubbing Doritos all over you first ;)

   wonders why hedgehogs don't just share the hedge...

   R.E.M. just recorded a new version of their '90s classic "Everybody Hurts" especially for their older fans. New title: "Everything Hurts"

   Breaking News... President Obama travels to India to visit former American jobs...

   can't understand the the problem with "Don't Ask Don't Tell" - the Catholic Church has been using it for hundreds of years, and it's never been a problem