michael Funny Status Messages

   The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I'm sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.

   Apparently it's green week. In an effort to contribute, I just created a save electricity sign: "Don't you hate it when someone turns you on, and then just leaves?"

   I've currently got the higest eBay bid on Detroit.

   The day Bruce Jenner finally snaps and locks his entire family in his Escalade and pushes it into his swimming pool just got one stupid baby name closer.

   Dear Victoria's Secret engineers. Bubble wrap panties..... make it happen.

   wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

   It is spelled, "you're" an idiot....idiot.

   If I was two faced, do you think I'd be wearing this one?

   Going to hang out at Wal-Mart for a bit so I can feel better about myself.

   Why are all the women in my office walking funny today?

   How does every ethnic joke start? By looking over your shoulder.

   Since when does 3-6 inches of snow draw the need for a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called that winter.

   I know I'm supposed to be outraged about this whole NSA phone tapping scandal, but I've got to admit, its a little refreshing that after a decade of marriage, someone is finally listening to me.

   Ladies, men are not that hard to figure out. They are a lot like carpet tiles… If you lay them properly the first time around, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.

   The next time someone annoys you so much you just wanna slap them… Do it and say, “Mosquito” and quickly walk away.

   Had a cold this morning so I took an Aleve-D and washed it down with an AMP energy drink. Judging by the way I feel, I am fairly certain my body converted to two into meth!

   Walked into the bank today and asked the teller if she could check my balance… She leaned over and pushed me.

   Greatest txt msg of the day: Wow, I felt guilty this morning when I woke up after the dream I had about you!

   Just got three "BREAKING NEWS" notifications on my phone that two celebrities got married. This is why the rest of the world hates America.

   After watching the iRenew infomercial about 800 times, I finally bought it because it helps promote “Balance.” Well guess what? It didn't help with last night's sobriety test!