jrbirk Funny Status Messages

   Happy Earth Day. I'm doing my part by vacuuming all of the dirt out of my car and putting it back on the ground where it belongs.

   Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat.

   I'm selling Royal Wedding barf bags for anyone else who is nauseous from seeing every sickening detail on TV.

   Happy St Patrick's Day, the day when everybody gets together and pretends they're Irish. Except the Irish -- they pretend they're sober.

   Here's something that could revolutionize St. Patrick's Day -- green Pepto-Bismol.

   Apparently Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of..

   We are $14 trillion in debt. To understand how much money that is, imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month.

   Facebook stock continues to lose value, in fact it's so bad, hundreds of farmville farms are going into foreclosure.

   Oh, come on.. Who among us hasn't checked African American on an application?

   Decided to clean the kitchen this morning, started with the last of the rum cake. Cleaned that right up. Decided that was enough cleaning for today..

   Last week the people who wanted to delay Obamacare were called legislative arsonists and terrorists who were holding the country hostage. This week they’re called Democrats

   I'm ready to get lost on vacation somewhere Sean Penn wont even be able to find me.

   Friends don't let friends decorate drunk!

   You're Now Aware That You Can't Say.. "IRISH WRISTWATCH"

   President Obama recently released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama.

   Starbucks is now offering something called the duffin. If you havent heard, it's a combination of a donut and a muffin. Who says America has lost its exceptionalism?

   I have heard of videos going viral, but now it hurts when I pee..

   How in the Hell does Hillary Clinton get a concussion when she's been ducking everything??

   Obama was just on the air and clearly read from his teleprompter that he will now put his full concentration into the issue of JOBS! (for the 19th time).

   If they take the fighting out of hockey, that's it! I'm still not watching it..