jdpower Funny Status Messages

   While I like the idiom "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar", it remains the unvarnished truth that sh!t attracts more flies than anything.

   These kids today need to show a little respect to those of us who fought for, and won the right to party.

   Did you know that if you watch Twilight backwards... it's still crap.

   Black smoke rose from my toaster this morning... a new pope tart has been chosen..

   When two meth addicts go out, is it considered speed dating?

   Wyclef Jean is running for President of Haiti. He should pledge to make Lauryn Hill his Secretary of Miseducation.

   If you ever see me drinking a Bud Light Lime, I have been kidnapped and am trying to signal you.

   ‎7-11 is developing a new wine.. It's said to pair well with poor life choices and sadness

   ‎9 times more people are killed by falling coconuts than by sharks. I CANNOT WAIT for Coconut Week!

   I think I'd probably just pay for a Klondike bar.

   If you say the word "douche" fast and repetitively, it will sound like the beat of a techno song that some douche would definitely love.

   They should have captured Bin Laden alive and made him continually go through airport security for the rest of his life.

   Starbucks says that the rising cost of coffee is forcing them to raise prices. Oddly, they never seem to lower them when coffee prices drop

   Whenever I worry I've been wasting my time, I cheer myself up by remembering I have never read a Twilight book.

   The coolest part about wallet chains is that they let potential thieves know your wallet isn't worth stealing.

   The best part of watching an actor on an environmental crusade is when he gets on his private plane.

   I'm surprised there isn't a "ABC's Rockin' Chilean Miners Rescue Special" hosted by Ryan Seacrest.

   Shark Week is over, but I'm not taking down my decorations

   If you insist on telling me about the day your child was born, then I insist you also tell me about the night it was conceived.

   So I guess the movie 'Armageddon' shows that oil workers are better at destroying asteroids than stopping oil leaks