Vito Funny Status Messages

   A horse told me not to drive home last night.I think there was a cop on top of it.

   If my neighbors dont tone it down a little bit, I am going to have to change my WiFi network name to "I can hear you having sex".

   I can't wait to go home and rip off my ex-girl friend's underwear!! They have been giving me wedgies all day

   I wish the rest of me was as tan as my left arm

   I wish I had more middle fingers.

   Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me...It's Sunday.

   I keep hitting the "escape" key...but I'm still here

   Hoarders is on tonite. I like that show because it makes me feel like I'm tidy

   I can't wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.

   Tonite I feel like drinking until it looks like Jim Joyce made the right call.

   So it turns out that "The Love Shack" does, indeed, turn up on your bank statement.

   This weekends forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out

   I wish I could delete all the cookies I ate last night

   According to my nipples, I'm freezing!

   Heading out to do laundry with a roll of quarters in my pocket. I hope I dont run into anyone I am happy to see.

   Help! My Chia Pet is sick and I'm not sure if I should bring it to the Vet or the Florist?

   Had Mexican for dinner last night and just used a BP restroom. Let's just say we're almost even.

   Can't find Sesame Street on his GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?

   I just busted my Gold Fish smoking seaweed. No wonder he was always hungry and paranoid.

   My bank just called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. They couldn't believe I bought a gym membership either.