Psycho Funny Status Messages

   A girl punched me today. Does that still mean she likes me? And if so, why the mace?

   I wonder how long it took for the Playmates to realize that Hugh's Viagra had worn off and rigor mortis had set in...

   In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

   Welcome to Chopped. Your mystery basket ingredients are four of your exes, from which you must create one decent human being.

   You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"

   I don't have any room in my heart for you, but I do have space for you in my trunk.

   My friends say the craziest things like "hello police" and "he's in our house again."

   In hell, you're served sugar free jam on burnt gluten free toast with decaf coffee.

   TERRORISM - This is what happens when you indoctrinate people with fairy tales that have no basis in reality.

   Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough

   I think the hands of time have been molesting me.

   Free middle fingers for everyone!!!

   Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

   Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That's really not necessary

   Got tasered at speed dating again.

   If Bruce Jenner can win woman of the year, I see no reason why Sarah Jessica Parker can't win the Kentucky Derby.

   Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.

   According to my bloodshot eyes I'm not approachable today

   I don't wanna make this weird but that's just kinda how I do things.

   I'll stop being creepy when you stop sending me telepathic messages that you secretly want me.