Mick F Funny Status Messages

   Satan came to me in a dream and asked if I was afraid. I said, "Hell no, I married your sister, didn't I?"

   Some chick with rainbow spiked hair caught me staring. She goes, "What up, dude? Ya never did anything wild?" I said, "I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my kid."

   The only thing left for me to do is to walk on water, and even at that some people would snicker and say, 'What, you can't swim?"

   I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.

   "Dad, when can I use the car?" "When you cut that long hair." Why? Jesus had long hair." "Yeah, and he walked everywhere too!"

   Pretty much all of the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

   Someday, I hope to be able to afford an iPhone...like the girl in front of me paying for her groceries with food stamps.

   Guys...Wanna feel appreciated by your woman? Tighten all the the jar and bottle lids in the house, then leave for a day or two.

   The idiot that wrote about the "Porshes and Mexicans" knows how to spell Porsche.

   Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.

   The reason I don't play Scrabble online, is that I can't throw the tiles at the person who beats me.

   I'm not rude...I just wasn't taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can't stand.

   There aren't many things that I believe less in the world than than some tech support guy in India telling me his name is Jeff.

   McDonald's Happy Meal. A tiny burger, 8 fries, a sip of Coke, and a cheap 2¢ toy. Happy? Yeah, I'm ecstatic.

   Midas' touch, Baby! Uh huh, I gots it! Everything I'm touching is turning to gold today. Oh yeah! Wait. Never mind. F**king Cheetos.

   Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!

   21 years old? 5 kids? That's not a vajayjay, that's a Pez dispenser.

   New Yorkers get such a bad rap for being rude. I was visiting relatives in Manhattan, and some guy walked up to me and asked, "Excuse me,can you tell me how to get to the Empire State Building, or should I just go f**k myself?"

   My girlfriend and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   I saw two kids today texting each other on their cell phones while standing maybe two feet away from each other. Dear Future: I'm sorry.