MATT Funny Status Messages

   My Pride flag is up all year around, it's red, white, and blue. Merica' 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

   If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask someone else first.

   There were a lot of Presidents day sales today, Mitt Romney was confused he thought the presidency was actually for sale today...

   Attention, guys wearing "skinny Jeans", you took the phrase "getting into her pants" the wrong way

   Japan`s earthquake shifted the earths axis by 10cm. It`s not much but we are well on our way to our toilets flushing counter-clockwise!

   I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe

   starting to get nervous about Y3K

   If Justing Bieber was a real man, he wouldn't have his own line of womens perfume...

   I know my jeans are too tight when my boxers turn into a banana hammock

   Came home from work last nite just plain tired so I sat down to relax - five minutes later there was a knock on the door - it was my rear just catching up

   Boys make excuses, men make changes...

   just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by fleeing the scene of an accident!!!

   Just held the door for an Asian guy. He said "Sank you" so I punched him in the face. I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that!

   will write you a love song unlike that Sara Bareilles b**ch

   A grown man will buy lingerie for the same reason a kid wants a box of cereal were all after the prize inside

   Amazon, quit fluctuating your prices all the time. sincerely- your customer!

   went 2 the corner store and saw the ugliest pregnant lady in the world and I just thought, 'Good for you.

   Father's Day is the most confusing day in the Ghetto !!!

   You would think part of Frank Farmer's job would also be protecting her from herself.

   versatile..........put him in any position and he will always perform