Linda Funny Status Messages

   Everyone's gynecologist uses the term 'battle damage,' right?

   Sometimes I squirt mayonnaise across my breasts so I don't forget what it's like to have a boyfriend.

   If I'm down on my knees, I'm probably not one who's begging.

   If I don't look like I barely survived a natural disaster after we've had sex, you need to try harder.

   Glittery eyeliner makes my daddy issues sparkle.

   When a guy says he doesn't eat pu$$y,I always say...well, nothing, because he's pretty much dead to me at that point.

   Yeah, yeah. It's Hump Day, but get off my leg, please. I don't like you that much.

   I usually watch porn on mute; so the neighbors can hear me climax.

   I don't mind when people make kitchen jokes about women, but when they make jokes about women driving... Well that's when I run you over.

   used to be indecive but now she's not so sure

   You have to work to get me and you have to work to keep me.

   I just found spider crawling up my leg. I wanted to kill it but I missed so I cut off my leg instead.

   V@gina is my weapon of choice.

   i can't sing but I do have other oral talents.

   The heat wave continues! It's so hot in New York City that the Statue of Liberty was asked to blow out her torch.--Joan Rivers