Huck Funny Status Messages

   I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.

   Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.

   Based on how I react when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

   There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter

   How long do I need to be in therapy before I forget the time in gym class when I was hit in the stomach with a dodge ball and farted?

   It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.

   I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge

   The Cowboys just signed a "No Super Bowl for six more years" contract today

   I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.

   Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn

   Today I went to work w/my clothes inside out and had chocolate pudding and popcorn for dinner. Wife has been gone ONE DAY & I am a toddler.

   There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.

   Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport

   When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”

   When people tell me "You're gonna regret that in the morning" I sleep in til noon, because I'm a problem Solver

   Let's start a charity where we give cats to people who say goodnight to social networking sites.

   Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider's web.

   Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

   You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can't conjugate verbs.

   Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.