Hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   You know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.

   My favorite hobby is to add my neighbors' wireless printer to my PC and print a document that says I'M INSIDE YOUR HOUSE AND COMING FOR YOU.

   Thanks ABC News, if it wasn't for your extensive news coverage, I wouldn't have known that it gets hot outside in the middle of July. 

   In alcohol’s defense, i've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.

   I've already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I'm gonna "come on down" whether they call my fuckíng name or not.

   In a stunning display of maturity, Kid Rock announces he is changing his name to Adult Contemporary.

   I don't always drive the speed limit. But when I do, there's drugs in my car.

   It's Google's 15th birthday today. Typical fifteen year old. It's got an answer for everything.

   why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

   I think it's cute how my bankruptcy attorney thinks I'm going to pay him!

   Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

   Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.

   Lawyer: "You've been released!" Aaron Hernandez: "Great, so I can go home?" Lawyer: "Shìt, sorry. I mean you've been released by the Pats."

   If you can't handle me at my drunkest, you don't deserve me when I'm sober.

   My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a constipated muppet trying to list off active ingredients in Children’s Tylenol.

   Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?

   Bravo to the Capitol police. Atleast someone in Washington is doing their job!!

   When I'm bored late at night, I text random numbers saying: “You should really clean under your bed, it's filthy down here. PS: I love you."

   If your hat is intentionally crooked while you are pushing a stroller then we know your child was an accident.

   This cop is going to look like such a dumbass trying to give me a field sobriety test while I'm invisible.