Gump Funny Status Messages

   My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

   Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

   I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.

   "Covfefe" definition: (Noun) A fidget spinner for the National media.

   Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.

   A man knocked on my door yesterday asking for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water and shut the door.

   Whatever you do in this life, you should always give it 100 percent, unless you're donating blood.

   My wife has been looking through the window every since it started raining this morning. I suppose I should let her back in.