Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages

   I say we legalize all drugs at the Olympics. Let's see how fast these MF's can run!

   Pro Tip: If you wear a face mask your coworkers can't smell the alcohol on your breath.

   The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on tomorrow she'll think she lost weight.

   For $250/hr I will pose as a couples counselor and tell your partner they are wrong about everything.

   I hate waiting in lines. Hurry up and pick a suspect already.

   I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.

   The person who said "One person can't change the world" obviously never ate an under-cooked bat.

   I swear we are fighting two pandemics Covid 19 and Stupidity.

   Facebook needs a notification like: “Karen took your Facebook post personally. Would you like to unfriend her?”

   Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.

   The reporter on CNN said that at the end of the day, the thing that will keep you safe is common sense. Some of you are in serious trouble.

   I swear to God if I had one of those Race Car Beds, it would be on jack stands too.

   This is the longest something made in China has lasted.

   If your relationship fails, don't blame her. It takes two people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

   If you drive by my house and see my kids picking weeds and crying, keep driving. They're on a field trip. #Quarantined

   Thanksgiving is coming...time to set the weigh scale ahead 8 lbs.

   My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.

   It's freezing outside. I hear by declare January Nipple Awareness Month.

   How long are we supposed to do this social distancing thing? My wife keeps trying to get back into the house.

   Trojan rejected my safe sex slogan today. "Don't kid yourself".