Downey Funny Status Messages

   wanna come back to my place & watch some p0rn on my 60" flat screen mirror?

   it's not that I'm bad at remembering names, I'm just awesome at forgetting them.

   I changed my alarm tone to a Justin Bieber song and it works great... Now I wake up early just so I don't have to hear that $hit.

   I'm not a proctologist...but I know an A**HOLE when I see one

   that awkward moment when she catches you trying to take a pic of her, and you have to pretend to be texting someone...

   Got a text from my girlfriend, 'thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative.' I wonder what 'ternative' means?

   Can we start a rumor that all Ed Hardy & Tapout shirts are bullet proof?

   After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

   I like when a woman tries to shove 210 pounds in a 135 pound dress because I used to bag groceries and admire that level of conviction.

   Dear Gain, You need to come up with a laundry soap that will wash the disappointment out of my sheets after a regretful one night stand.. Work on that. Sincerly, Every Guy in America

   I went to the store and got me some Oreo's. As I was walking back to my car I saw a friend who told me that it was his birthday today...so for the 1st time ever, without being sarcastic, I was able to say "What...Do you want a cookie or something?"

   Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn't the right answer...

   The only thing my ex & I had in common was that neither one of us would suck a d!ck.

   Music now a days sucks....Jim Morrison, dead; Kurt Cobain, dead; Biggie, dead; Justin Beiber, healthy as a god damn mule!

   I'm not going to lie to you. There's a good chance that at some point, I will probably try to do you. That's just how I roll.

   My ex girlfriend felt the same way about anal, as she did about eating at McDonald's... If she was drunk enough, she would do it.

   next time you go through the drive-thru at McD, order a burger and say "can you please hold the pickle" in a sexy voice... trust me, it's worth it!

   They say good things come to those who wait, so it looks like ima be bout an hour late ;)

   they make veggie meatloaf?.... Yeah, better wash that down with a warm O'douls

   being that they're all middle aged men now with kids of their own, I think now's a good time to change their name to Minivan-Halen.