Daveb1191 Funny Status Messages

   Bought one of those tennis racket looking bug zappers today. My god, where have you been all my life. What fun! Oooh, here comes the dog....

   How you can tell if a person is Irish: a fly lands in their pint of beer. They grab the fly and start shaking it over their beer yelling "Spit it out ya bastard, spit it out!"

   NASA says there is a 1 in 3000 chance debris from their satellite could hit someone. *Please be Casey Anthony, Please be Casey Anthony, Please be Casey Anthony*

   The three things I like most about Republican Presidential Candidate Rick Perry; Number 1. He has great hair, number 2. he has great teeth, and number 3. he has.... uhhh, he has..... ummmm, he has.... ohhh crap, I forget! Is it the EPA?

   Instead of labeling OBL with the titles he would want and relish in, such as "Al Qaeda founder", "Terrorist Leader" or "9/11 Mastermind", we should just label him as Hide & Seek Champion 2001-2011. You're next Waldo.

   She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you're adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!

   So with all that news last week about the iPhone 4 tracking all kinds of stuff, makes me wonder....did Bin Laden have an iPhone 4?

   Added to my bucket list today: Figure out what the hell 'Snow' is saying in the song 'Informer'.

   I would love to see Flo @ Progressive hook up with Mayhem @ Allstate. Their kids would be bright, shiny, bundles of conniving, deceptive, destructive energy!

   Chocolate lovers are thinner, study says. Obviously they did not contact me.

   Nice hash-tag Dallas Cowboys, but I do agree, ‪#‎CowboySUK‬! errrr....CowboysUK I mean....

   Abraham Lincoln was a badass vampire hunter too?? Why did I never learn about that in school?

   Ex-teammate says Lance Armstrong used PED's...I think I speak for everyone when I say "You didn't know till now?"

   I need to turn whatever it is that allows kids to sleep through anything...like a massive clap of thunder right above the house at 230am...into a pill form for adults. I would be so rich...

   What is the correct punishment for your child when they put the toilet paper roll on for bottom pulling instead of over the top? 1 week grounding? 2 weeks? Need some help here...