Cory Funny Status Messages

   Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...

   Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I'm having scrambled eegs

   The guy that did Super Size Me should of done it during Monopoly month.

   It's Friday! The only two who aren't excited about that are my bank account and my liver.

   Rock bottom hangover: I ordered pizza just to get soda delivered

   Actions speak louder than Facebook posts...

   Dating is a lot like fishin'. Sometimes catch and release is the best method.

   My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.

   Don't die a virgin. Terrorist are up there waiting for you...

   R.I.P Brian Griffin. Family GUy won'y be the same without you...

   Hands down best Budweiser commercial ever. God bless our troops!

   I gotta stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I'm beginning to feel like people are taking it as a challenge.

   Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. Where I'm going, if I'll fall in love, what I want in life... Then I pull up my pants and flush the toilet.

   Life isn't like a box of chocolate. It's more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow..

   Only thing good about "good morning" is the breakfast tacos

   I think the #1 phrase that is guaranteed to make people argue is "what do you want to eat?"

   Why is it that every time I see a Ford, it's lifted? Well the answer is simple. When a man gets out of his Ford, he doesn't want to get his dress dirty...

   Facebook should have a limit on how many selfies you can post in a day...

   Last time I checked, Chick-fil-A is still sellin chicken and I'm sure Phil Robertson will keep spreadin gods good word and shooting ducks.

   Question of the day: If somebody threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey would be considered stoned of your a$$?