A is for ME Funny Status Messages

   The wizard of oz is the ultimate chick flick, two women trying to kill each other over shoes

   The smallest woman can break the biggest man in the world with three little words: Is it in?

   World population rankings: 1:China 2:India 3:Facebook 4:USA

   Wants an app called PHARMville, so she can send notes to her friends like "really needing valuim or heavy narcotics soon"

   My girlfriend got f**ked by a clown before we dated. So I have some pretty big shoes to fill.

   My mother never understood the irony in calling me a ”son-of-a-b!tch.”

   The McRib is like the IRS...Both come around once a year, and when they do everybody cringes!!!

   I just saw that Harry Potter movie. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with 2 friends?

   I like my women like I like my beer.... gone when I'm finished!

   met this girl at the pub and she told me her ‘sex was on fire'. She lied. But ironically, now it burns when I piss.

   My girlfriend has a weird fetish, she likes to dress up like herself and act like a b!tch every night.

   Doesn't have children , she has insane little mental patients !

   likes movies where the guy gets the girl in the end. That's why I like porn@ movies, because the guy usually gets the girl in both ends.

   Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use dryer sheets again!

   How do I explain to a coworker, that she is not a size 6…that EVERY pair of pants she wears she has a Camel Toe…and EVERYONE has noticed!

   got his girlfriend pregnant .gotcha b!tch :)