BEGO Funny Status Messages

   Taking awful cold medicine as a kid taught me how to take shots in college.

   I met the girl of my dreams last night, then I woke up.

   Hitting your hip on a corner and feeling like you've been shot. 

   It's not that I need Anger Management, it's that others need Stupidity Management.

   What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y'all ain't gonna believe this s@%t…”

   BEST WAY TO DIE: Clint Eastwood shooting you while Morgan Freeman narrates it.

   Forget the damn past. Remember the lesson.

   Today someone asked me how I would react if someone jumped off a bridge. I laughed and said,"depends on who it is that jumped!!"

   I'm ready for hoodies, bonfires, cuddling, and the beautiful colors of fall.

   OPERATOR: "9-1-1 please hold." ME: "Okay. Wait, stop stabbing me for a sec." MURDERER: "K."

   I use Google to check if I have internet connection more than I use Google to Google.

   NEWS FLASH: "Before" is spelled B-E-F-O-R-E, not B4...this is English, not Bingo.

   $2.75 Trojans or $19.99 Huggies? You make the decision.

   Summer is almost over... All you half naked bit$hes gonna have to find a personality soon.

   Moment of silence for people who still wear Aeropostale.

   I swear I am tired of Hearing SOME Females be like: I am mixed with Black, Dominican, White and Indian. Shut your Ass up you are sounding like a damn science experiment to me.

   Are you cold?" No dumbass, I'm on fuc?ing vibrate mode.

   Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

   Everyone pretends to die in front of their dog, just to see how they would react

   I’m going to Hell. Anybody want anything?