Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 978 of 6448

Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it's not a problem if you're good at it.
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02-09-2018 15:36
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My guess is that few Children are named Siri or Alexa anymore.
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02-12-2018 07:22
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I find it very irritating when someone knocks on the door then when you ask who it is they say 'ME' .Like if I knew who it was I wouldn't have asked, Seriously Now!
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02-13-2018 03:13
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I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late and all the good choices are already taken.
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02-13-2018 06:52
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"We be bobsleddin'." The Winter Olympics Bobsled Team

The difference between the company I work for and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the OUTSIDE.
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02-15-2018 04:44 by Crewz
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Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you're up to. :)

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
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02-16-2018 13:03
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Real friendship is lending your Facebook password to your friend so that he/she can stalk their Ex
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02-22-2018 04:31
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My memaw suffers from furniture disease. Her chest has fallen into her drawers.
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02-24-2018 22:17 by Jake
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I have a terrible fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.
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02-26-2018 06:51
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A safe word, but for when you can’t listen to another boring story.

Come to think of it I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 30 years now, that is 10,950 sit-ups and not even ONE ab to show for it
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03-01-2018 04:05
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I don't know what I would do without facebook and instagram and twitter -- but I bet it would be something productive
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03-03-2018 09:08
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In honor of Martin Shkreli going to prison, the price of lube has been marked up 5,000%.
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03-11-2018 18:02
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Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Except for imitation grape soda; real grapes have never quite gotten over that one.
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03-11-2018 20:34 by Grapelade
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Hold my jean jacket. Someone just insulted Savage Garden.

I am very patient with people because I don’t interact with any.
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03-13-2018 02:57
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My son found a cassette tape in the basement. It's like watching 2001 Space Odyssey in real life.
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03-19-2018 15:21
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What you read here may or may not be about you; but if you see yourself in it, then don't rage at the mirror
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03-24-2018 09:22
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