Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   : It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

   I have never been “the one that got away”, but I have often been the one that got in the way.

   Maybe the next hoarded item will be laxatives...to use up all the toilet paper.

   People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove

   me: WTF all the shelves are empty sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

   Day 7 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

   No matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature

   After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

   Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.

   Think I'm starting to lose a little weight while one a new diet plan thats really working for me that's called the "Eat less so I don't have to go to the supermarket as often" diet plan.

   Me to my kids: you have to eat right and get good sleep if you want to stay healthy. Also me: *shouting at 5am* WHO THE HELL ATE MY BREAKFAST PRINGLES??

   NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

   My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

   Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

   The worst five words are "can I have a bite."

   Twitter - A great place to post all your thoughts and hope someone, anyone, reads them.

   Dating is like going to garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need. 21 minutes

   I'm saving myself for a girl without pepper spray.

   I'm so happy these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water. That’s roughly how many times I need to flush.

   If the warehouse store is surrounded by barbed wire the prices are usually excellent.