Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn't seen me drunk.

   Don't know if dogs get how cool they look in sunglasses.

   It's so damn hot I think I'll go put the toilet seat up on purpose so I can get a cold Icy stare from my girlfriend

   Every room is a panic room if you suffer from anxiety.

   I started reading more because for like 6 years I thought Sharia Law was a Street Fighter character.

   A break up is bad when you have to point to a chalk outline.

   I can hear my girlfriend telling me not to touch her from work.

   I'm still waiting for the ability to call the car in front of me & tell the driver to pull her head out of his ass... Where are we on this technology?

   On a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

   Busy day at work today, a man was rushed to the hospital with 6 toy horses up his Butt. Doctors describe his condition as stable.

   50% of my drive time is me fighting the urge to smile and wave at red light cameras.

   Love kickboxing and think there should be kick versions of more sports, like kickbowling and kickbadminton.

   Well, set the “Consecutive days gone without spilling food on myself” calendar back to zero. It was good three hour run.

   Wait, were those actually political conventions or a seemingly endless loop of American Horror Story??

   I think I'll go to the playground so I can enjoy a relaxing afternoon of screaming at my kids for screaming

   Remember,,, When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another.... Because kids.

   The most important part of signing your kid up for an activity is getting a sticker for your car so everyone knows.

   The French gymnast who broke his leg during the Olympics is in good hands, Rio's hospitals have the best leeches and voodoo spells.

   Show me on the doll where Mommy got botox.

   If you begin your argument with "My whole thing is," I will hand you a pudding pop and never speak to you again.