Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I asked HR for some things to improve my work performance: an adjustable chair, a wrist cushion mousepad, xanax. Pretty standard requests.

   At times I think we have achieved so much as a species, but then I notice that someone has tossed a dirty diaper in a parking lot.

   Microsoft agrees to acquire LinkedIn for $26.2 billion. Which is also the number of email updates users receive daily.

   How to look like a productive hubby. Add things to your to do list that dosen't need to be done. So you'll have things crossed off when your wife checks the list.

   We live in a strange world where the poor walk miles to get food and the rich walk miles to digest food

   Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it's not a problem if you're good at it.

   My guess is that few Children are named Siri or Alexa anymore.

   I find it very irritating when someone knocks on the door then when you ask who it is they say 'ME' .Like if I knew who it was I wouldn't have asked, Seriously Now!

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late and all the good choices are already taken.

   "We be bobsleddin'." The Winter Olympics Bobsled Team

   The difference between the company I work for and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the OUTSIDE.

   Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you're up to. :)

   Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

   Real friendship is lending your Facebook password to your friend so that he/she can stalk their Ex

   My memaw suffers from furniture disease. Her chest has fallen into her drawers.

   I have a terrible fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.

   A safe word, but for when you can’t listen to another boring story.

   Come to think of it I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 30 years now, that is 10,950 sit-ups and not even ONE ab to show for it

   I don't know what I would do without facebook and instagram and twitter -- but I bet it would be something productive

   In honor of Martin Shkreli going to prison, the price of lube has been marked up 5,000%.