Funny Status Messages
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Me: Wow that was a lot of pancakes. Time to go though!..... IHOP Manager: *locks doors* I don't think you understand "never ending pancakes" sir. 
My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that's why I never dated left handed chicks.
The government is behind the whole "60 is the new 40" thing so they can raise the retirement age to 92.
It must be a great offer since the Prince of Nigeria took the time to write me personally today.
Ryan Lochte is now claiming he was chased by Usain Bolt but managed to get away.
If you've considered robbing Ryan Lochte,,,, now would be the perfect time.
Ryan Lochte = The Real Swim Shady
RIP Gene. You made people laugh even when you had no lines to speak. Your face was so expressive.
KID IN THE 1800s: I will sweep your chimney if it helps feed my family. KID IN THE 2000s: I’m not eating this apple because it is bruised.
Before you give up in life, remember that the hair in your anus grows despite it's environment. So stay strong and never give up.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn't for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
This joke is 100% vegan, gluten-free, no artificial colors or flavorings, unprocessed, sugar-free - and that's why it sucks.
What if tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow?
When the teacher pointed her ruler at me and said their's an idiot at the end of this ruler. I said which end?
People who think they can run away from their problems have obviously never farted on a treadmill.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman's mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Watching the media CRASH AND BURN is a joke in itself.
Meanwhile, female Asian voters are upset over a disappointing erection.
Yay ... Now that the election's over it's nice to see some good old fashioned humor here once again. Oh .... wait .... never mind!
In these trying times, I want to find good in this world so here goes,,,,, I am extremely grateful that Cap'n Crunch leaves far more gently than it enters. 