Snotty Funny Status Messages

   8yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?... Me: What's wrong with the one we live in?.. 8yo: WHAT !?!... Me: Goodnight, son.

   *Turns on phone and responds to "Happy Thanksgiving" texts all day*... ~misses Thanksgiving dinner~

   Did you know ?? If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.... Medical fact.

   "Boop"... *Zebra walking past a self service checkout.

   I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

   My neighbor is opening a pig farm... Just caught wind of it today.

   Bad news: I stepped in gum... Good news: it still had flavor left.

   Under 'medical history', we were hoping for something more specific to you personally... You wrote "Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928".

   Before you decide to spend the rest of your life with somebody, watch them load a dishwasher.

   I farted So loud,,, it scared the dog out of the room and I raised my hands in triumph and shouted,,, "There can be only one!"

   I just figured it out,, Conspiracy theorists are pobably just people who never got over finding out that wrestling was fake.

   Hey guys,, my feed is down.. Is anyone here friends with Kathy?..I'm on pins and needles over here about how her workout went yesterday.

   I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

   That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....'I've got nothing man.'

   The chocolate fountain..... Not the first runny brown liquid to be produced by Golden Corral.

   Listen Bob,,, You're indispensable. Just like the last guy we fired.

   Hey,, I'm from Maine... Of course we can bring in real pelts to our "Build-a-Bear Workshop"...

   I need to start dressing for the job I want, not the job I have........... *puts on Jedi outfit and waits patiently*

   Give a vegan a fish,,, then never hear the end of it.

   Just heard the hit new song... "Stacy's Mom Has Unfortunately Passed On."