Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Every time I get really drunk I start acting like I'm British, and by that I mean I drive on the left side of the road.

   When I'd go to clubs, I'd spend half the time texting people who weren't there. Eventually I realized I could just send those texts from home.

   Dear Santa, Please send your credit card numbers. it's only fair since you're getting the credit for the gifts, that you should start paying for them also.

   I'm not saying it's cold out or anything, But I had to put vodka in my juice this morning on the way to work to keep it from freezing.

   I just don't understand my next door neighbor. She keeps going on about how she'd love to be a contestant on a reality show, but she went mental when she found out I'd put cameras all over her house.

   Lying in bed last night unable to sleep and my girlfriend asked me how many sexual partners I've had. Counting them certainly put me to sleep.

   If anyone asks, I've been here all day. You all are now apart of my alibi... don't f*ck this up!

   The best moves in life are made in silence. Don't talk about it. Just do it and let them talk about it. Failure talks. Success walks.

   Why does everybody try to hide from each other in the Dollar Store? I saw your ass over at the bargain bin fool.

   Whats the point of a High School Reunion? I have Facebook, I already know you got fat!

   A police recruit was asked during exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest ur own wife?" He said, "Call for backup."

   I don't understand why you're mad. I used YOUR name as my password, honey! :) Who cares if the "hint" to retrieve it is ....BlTCH?

   My GF just walked straight past me in Walmart without seeing me! Maybe I should put a 50% off sticker on my chest..

   It seems like my life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.

   My bud just updated his Facebook status: "I love my girlfriend so much. You are my world xxxxx." I wonder why her name's encrypted.

   When my girlfriend and I decided to make it official, I told her: I have to tell you, before we met, I was... well...promiscuous. Oh cool she exclaimed. I love Greek mythology.

   Backwards is overrated. I want a girl who'll bend over frontwards for me.

   If you're going to block me... then you better block all of my friends on FB! Right guys? Guys? Hello? Dammit! :(

   I wish my life was more like a professional wrestler's. I'd walk into work with entrance music, pyrotechnics, and a laser light show.

   I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.