Snotty Funny Status Messages

   FYI: The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes.

   Just ordered 78 copies of "Hoarders: Season One" on Amazon

   The creator of Mad Libs died... His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

   It's awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

   Foghorn Leghorn would have made a terrible, I say, would have made a terrible, I saya terrible poster.

   Welcome to Disproportionate Body Parts Club.... If there's any suggestions, I'm all ears.

   Welcome to loneliness club. Today we have special guests,,, Bag Of Doritos and Season 5 of Lost... Since it's just me, let's go ahead and start.

   DOCTOR: Your leg is broken... ME: So what happens now?.. Doc: We put in a cast & it'll recover naturally... HORSE: [sticks head round curtain]... WHAT?!!

   SUSAN: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective... We should split up.. . ME: Good idea,,, that way we can cover more ground

   Your password must contain 2 capital letters, the pilot script from Friends, Hulk Hogans home phone number and an enlightenment spell

   Breaking News: George Lucas marries longtime girlfriend... Finds out later she is his sister.

   Why do people live in regular houses,, when there are steakhouses?

   In order to catch a cab,,,,, one must think like a cab first.

   Yes,,, 4 out of 5 dentists recommend you brush your teeth... But the 5th one gets the most business.es,,,

   If you hear a loud, frustrated sigh carried by the wind tonight, it's me casting my early vote.

   Joker: I'm calling DHS, You're endangering a minor... Batman: He's my partner... Joker: Why's he in his underwear?.. Batman: So we match. Look, this isn't about me.

   Did you know that the average person gains 4 pounds between Thanksgiving and Christmas? Good thing my mom told me I would never be average.

   Ever danced so badly that the dog dry heaved?... * Asking for a friend.

   Treat others how you'd like to be treated.... That's right McDonalds, So give me more frigging sauce for my McNuggets

   Survival Tip: if your wife cooks up "a mess of bacon" and puts it in the fridge, she has a plan. Do not make yourself an epic sandwich.