jitney Funny Status Messages

   Watching this growing TOP CIA scandal is proof that women secretly runs the world!!!

   called your boyfriend gay, and he marked up my car with lipstick.

   That ackward moment when you send a specific text to the wrong person.

   Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? I pulled up next to this chick in the car putting on mascara and it just didnt look right with those yellow teeth!

   No more wet foot, dry foot for the Cubans #obamasfarewell

   "Can I safely look at a picture of the sun on my phone? I know you not suppose to look at the sun, but how about a picture?" - My wife

   Polarized glasses for sale. Not used at all. Need money for Powerball!!

   Kids nextdoor challenged me to a water balloon fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for mine to come out of the freezer..

   Gas is $4.39 a gallon.... And girls think we're coming over to Just chill???

   Everyone is the same color when the lights are off......

   I failed my driver's test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Texts and check Facebookk."

   Hillary bumped into Trump on the way to the White House and she said "Pardon me"...He Replied, "You want another Pardon?"

   People, I'm late for everything!!! I would make the worst period.

   tried to kill a spider by drowning it, but it looked at me and asked, "Where's the soap?"

   realize that when someone says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," basically implies that there is a list and hurting you is on it.

   I dont see what's the big deal about Bath Salt Water... I tried it and nothing happened, but I gotta tell ya..... Everything sure looks like CHICKEN!!!

   My girlfriend just caught me blow-drying my pennis and asked me what was I doing.....Apparently, "heating your dinner!" was not a good answer!

   My wife was complaining that she isnt in shape!!!! Now I sleep on the sofa, becuase I told her Round is a shape!

   You ever typed slower than your mind thinks? Yeah that just happened to me...... It was funny in my head, but when I read it I was like...clearly to much beer!

   Wife sent me a pic of her new outfit and asked me "if it made her look big?" I texted her back "Nooo" Obviously...but it got auto-corrected to "Moo"