hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   Sorry for chest bumping Chuck E Cheese so hard he fell down and broke his arm, but in my defense the Kidz Bop version of Enter Sandman came on.

   My mom found out that I was smoking weed and she told me to "pack my bags" LOL it's called a bowl mom and it's already packed

   Voting is like pressing the walk button at an intersection. It doesn't change anything, but if you wait long enough you'll get the white guy

   it true that every girl is a patron bottle away from a lesbian experience? Because they have that sh!t on sale at Costco right now.

   The Obamacare website doesn't work, just like most of the people who voted for Obama.

   Siri's on her period. she needs an iPad

   hmm I think i'll have a small snack *eats an apple, a packet of cookies, a small couch, the whole living room, a saudi arabian family of 4*

   Sad thing about the Twitter and Facebook youth = Draw Something lasted longer than #Kony2012 

   "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "No, officer." The cop removes his shades and looks to the horizon with teary eyes. "Neither do I."

   For Fathers Day I made breakfast in bed for my dad. It's extremely hard to cook food while in bed, and now his bed sheets are ruined.

   Every year for Halloween, Kanye West dresses up as Kanye West.

   Elisabeth Hasselbeck is going to Fox News, which will be a better use of her skills, such as "having a face" and "being wrong about things"

   This salad bar sucks. I must've had like 10 shots of this “Italian Dressing” and I'm not the slightest bit drunk.

   I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

   "I want you to come inside me." - Buildings

   Next time your at McDonald’s, point at the menu & say you’ll have a McSpaghetti w/ garlic bread. The look on cashiers face will be priceless

   There are two rules for success.. 1. Never reveal everything you know

   "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers." - new york's most hated cab driver

   So you're Chinese? "Japanese" Sorry..& what a cute litte girl.. "Boy" Oh a boy. Of course.. And I like your pet croc.. "Alligator" I should go..

   "Bailiff! Why is this evidence covered in chocolate pudding?" Because, your honor, *smiles* The proof is in the- "Get out of my courtroom."