Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.

   Glad to hear we've all been picked up for another season.

   How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?

   I am.... 'My 1st car had an ashtray'... years old.

   Nice try fat families with stick figure people on the back of their van

   We should hang out and stare at our phones.

   I Saw a Vespa crash into a Toyota Prius today...... There was glitter everywhere.

   I don't have a pet,, so I adopted this spider, but the stupid thing won't even chase the laser pen,,, It's got 8 eyes so I *know* he sees it.

   Lord Almighty, Adele...REALLY ?,, Just burn his house down & get on with your life already.

   If Sesame Street really cared about children,,, they'd realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

   I'm just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson's to take his family members to the vets and get them microchipped.

   According to my current parking spot I'm a physician

   Due to the holiday my status will be closed... I Will reopen tomorrow at 8am. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.. Enjoy your day people!!

   I could really use one of those Chris Farley,, 'down by the river',, speeches right about now...

   Every meal I didn't have to cook myself,, is the best meal I've ever had.

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around,,, Will the entire tree still be used to print a single CVS receipt?

   Top Gun was so unrealistic,,, Everyone knows Tom Cruise can't reach the clutch on a motorcycle.

   Next time someone gives you a business card, stick it in your mouth and eat it without breaking off eye contact

   Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.

   Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don't make the rules people.