SEAN Funny Status Messages

   I'm not just hungry...I'm Oprah hungry.....

   3 things in this world scare me: 1. scorpions 2. jellyfish 3. streets named after civil rights leaders at night.

   I might care about Twilight if Count Chocula was in it...

   We're probably missing out on a lot of good candy by stereotyping creepy people who have white vans with tinted windows who give free candy.

   It's so rude when people talk at the movies while you're on the phone!

   BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby

   I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.

   Nothing says 'I hope you choke on this and die' like the gift of a fruitcake

   Thought I was watching a commercial for Grand Theft Auto 5... Turns out I was watching CNN's reporting on Ferguson riots...

   Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.

   I could be an Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it."

   A coworker wouldn't stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.

   About a year ago I told my friend there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his rod.

   Scavenger hunt time! Find a parent in Walmart who looks happy to be a parent.

   There was a spider in my bathtub so my wife got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.

   Am I the only one who's ever seen a fat ugly lady at Walmart with 7 screaming kids...and think who keeps doing you!

   No I don't have anything smaller than a twenty. You should. You're the one who's running a store.

   I like how none of the "robbers" on that Vonage commercial are black. Way to dodge that bullet, Vonage.

   Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.

   Fortune cookies should have more useful information on them… like… never feed tacos to a child you're potty training.