Huck Funny Status Messages

   FACT: I do my best proofreading after I hit send.

   I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.

   Don’t try calling me back after you miss my call. I make 3 calls a year. You blew it.

   if you expect me to answer an actual phone call you're gonna have to give me at least 3 days warning

   The most fascinating thing I remember from my childhood is the amount of people Coolio fit into his trunk that day he went on a Fantastic Voyage.

   A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”

   What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?

   Been a while since “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” & “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” We need a new song where someone yells a list.

   Had to sneeze but it never came out and now I'm afraid it's traveling around my body trying to find another exit.

   It's funny how "You're so funny" turns into "You think everything's a joke" in just 3 months...

   I'm doing laundry for the whole family. (Not my family - I'm at my neighbors. They're going to be very surprised.)

   If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?

   If at first you don't succeed, lie and say you did.

   Cat burglars commit daring robberies with stealthy skills, while kitten burglars are so cute people just give them stuff.

   While reciting the alphabet, we all turn into rappers when we get to L M N O P. That's the gangsta part.

   I am glad to say that even after all these years. I still follow Bell Biv Devoe's advice on not trusting a big butt and a smile

   I got lost in your eyes...but I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn't read too much into it

   You know what makes me smile? My face muscles.

   Restaurant hosts: Stop asking, we all want a booth.

   Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...