Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday.

   Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.

   Someday, I'd like to take a train across the country.. but they never leave the keys in them.

   a drunk was hauled into court.”Mister,” the judge began, you've been brought here for drinking.” “Great,” the drunk exclaimed. “When do we get started?”

   Warning: Warnings are so retarded. Like on this deodorant 'Avoid contact with eyes.' Too late, I've already seen it.

   My friend said he thought I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.

   Only a few of us have that special talent to trip UP the stairs.

   Do you know the four signs of growing old? 1. Forgetting names, 2. Forgetting faces, 3. Forgetting to zip up, 4. Forgetting to zip down.

   I turn the radio down when I drive by cops so there's no evidence of fun.

   In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.

   call-in sick every morning to somewhere you don't work

   "I before E, except after C." Disproved by science.

   Try something spontaneous today. Like combustion.

   I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill

   will have on his Tombstone, "See I told you I was SICK!"

   My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I didn't open his bill.

   Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.

   Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can't tell anyone about.

   The liquor store advertised.. We De-Liver

   Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they're gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?