Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.

   Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?

   How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?

   Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.

   English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at a candy shop

   It’s so cold, I saw chickens lined up outside KFC waiting their turn in the deep fryer.

   At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it

   Breaking news: Santa Claus accused of sexual harassment for having girls sit on his lap and asking if they are naughty.

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   Pro tip: Use Shazam in your Uber to blow your drivers mind with your knowledge of their obscure immigrant music.

   That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.

   Why is it that people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?

   Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let's just keep it in the carton, ok?

   Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM

   Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags

   Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send

   Mark Zuckerberg is probably the last person we should trust, and I mean that both literally and alphabetically

   I've come to the conclusion that the things I most desire in life are illegal, very expensive, fattening, bad for my health, too young for me, or married to someone else.

   One of the circus freaks of the future will be the incredible non-tattooed man!

   My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"