Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have nothing in common with people who have "left over" pain killers

   Not to brag but you’ll never have to tell me to slow down.

   I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it's hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.

   “Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

   When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.

   I'm so old that the only room I can go into and remember why is the bathroom.

   I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen" So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.

   Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

   I am already ashamed of some of the things I will be doing over the festive holiday.

   I wonder where Noah kept the termites on the ark.

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would want to come in Fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   Wild Turkey on the rocks helps to cope with your relatives on Thanksgiving.

   Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need more space to hang my clothes

   I always ask if I can pay in bitcoins now, not because I have any but because I want to be cool

   All those Olympic curlers are headed back home now, where the wife is standing by the door with a mop and a broom saying "no more excuses"

   If someone tells you you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things.

   It's a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog

   If you receive a text/forward that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend while forwarding it, thanks

   If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.

   Gun sales hit #1 record for a Black Friday sales item.