Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Johnny Depp is the one guy that could've used an amber alert.

   If you don’t have time to pull over and fight, don’t honk your horn at me.

   The key to happiness? Stay away from idiots.

   Saw a store sign that read, “We treat you like family.” Well, NOT going in there.

   If you’re 50+ it’s time to leave them young girls alone and get yourself a woman that recognizes the signs of a stroke.

   The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.

   Doctor: Says here you get offended by strangers on the internet. I’m writing you a prescription for two testicles.

   If you’re afraid to live your life, then you have already died.

   Coffee so strong, that for like 4 minutes you have hope.

   Want to get back on your feet? Miss two car payments.

   When you’re on your 8th “dam, that’s crazy,” and they’re still telling you their story.

   I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in face, but with words.

   The closer the collapse of an empire, the crazier it’s laws.

   Wish I was a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, wake up beautiful.

   When your girl takes her top off, but the antidepressants have killed your sex drive. Boobies, yes, I remember.

   I’m sorry, the internet has ruined me. Whenever you say “shingles,” all I see in my head is Sean Connery scrolling through a dating app.

   Catch Some Z's ~ It was first used to represent snoring and sleep in a 1903 comic strip called Katzenjammer Kids. Comic book artists used “z” in their work because of its association with the English idiom “sawing wood.”

   The trash gets picked up tomorrow, be ready.

   Her: Is your stomach flat? Him: Yeah, just the “L” is silent.

   Tried to spoon a tall girl once and felt like a backpack.