Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon For the most intelligent species on this planet, how did we end up with 5 Sharknado movies? Seriously?
←Rate | 08-06-2017 13:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Late for work? Call your boss and tell him you're not coming. He will be so surprised when you show up that he'll forget you were late.
←Rate | 08-08-2017 22:24 by Chencho Comments (1)  


   messageicon I just saw the neighbor's kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn't supposed to.
←Rate | 08-12-2017 07:15 by GlimmerTriplet Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just bought a JVC LCD 4K 3D UHD TV. The rest of the alphabet was out of stock.
←Rate | 08-23-2017 14:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
←Rate | 09-02-2017 06:40 by unknowncomic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.
←Rate | 09-02-2017 23:44 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon A person who says that sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. Has never been hit with a large dictionary.
←Rate | 09-03-2017 02:50 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only difference between brown nosing and ass kissing is depth perception.
←Rate | 09-12-2017 08:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
←Rate | 09-13-2017 17:58 Comments (1)  


   messageicon If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
←Rate | 09-15-2017 03:38 by AATON Comments (0)  


   messageicon The worst thing about parallel parking is that there are usually witnesses.
←Rate | 09-16-2017 16:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can't tell me what to do; you're not my demons.
←Rate | 09-18-2017 01:36 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon BREAKING NEWS: Jerry Jones wants the NFL to investigate the Denver Broncos for Domestic Violence against the Dallas Cowboys
←Rate | 09-18-2017 21:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days gang up on me all at once.
←Rate | 10-16-2017 09:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember before hand sanitizer & antibacterial soap when we slammed our faces into a slobber-filled bucket of water trying to get an apple?
←Rate | 10-28-2017 18:52 by andrewjackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
←Rate | 11-08-2017 18:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My mother-in-law sent me the link to the site where you can buy a boarding pass to Mars. She even offered to pay for the ticket. That's so sweet of her.
←Rate | 11-01-2017 16:14 by FastPhil Comments (0)  


   messageicon Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon anyone else heading out tonight for a game of "Halloween Costume or Whore?"
←Rate | 10-28-2017 12:54 by JohnY Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why is it the people who say they thrive on chaos seem to be the ones causing it?
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:59 Comments (0)  



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