Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.

   Who else's favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."

   when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall

   Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in...

   The far right and the far left are both extremes and should be condemned equally.

   Gotta listen to the little man inside. The little man knows all. Unless, your little man is an idiot.

   You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking

   Just had ice cream without sprinkles on top. Diets are so hard.

   I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.

   English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at a candy shop

   Gun sales hit #1 record for a Black Friday sales item.

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send

   Did you know that if you light a candle during a full moon and say the name of the person you love three times you will look very stupid doing that.

   Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.

   Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1x

   Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.

   Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."

   You can’t play it safe and have fun; but with fun, there comes a price.

   Breaking news: Santa Claus accused of sexual harassment for having girls sit on his lap and asking if they are naughty.