Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stop bringing crappy Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came out into the woods to hear Katy Perry.

   A satisfied life is better than a successful life. Because our success is measured by others, our satisfaction is measured by our own hearts, minds, and souls.

   If we get invaded by space aliens, I’m immediately defecting to the alien side, sorry.

   You wanna listen to some Pop Country, or would you rather go to China and lick some doorknobs?

   Twitter files released. MSM: “What files? ~ Space Man Bad”

   Wonder if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe. Asking for a friend.

   Just watched someone who bought a dozen eggs without even checking them first. Talk about an unhinged wealth flex. 🙄

   If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Happiness comes from food, not relationships.

   Alien: I found this, (picks up cat) it’s vibrating.

   Yeah, you’re made of star stuff, but so is garbage, so calm down.

   At the store: “OMG haven’t seen you in forever! Let’s stand in everyone’s way!”

   2020 We aren’t allowed to go in public. 2022 We can’t afford to go in public.

   Why are you listening to broken headphones? So, people don’t talk to me.

   If they say it’s impossible, it’s impossible for them, not for you.

   The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain is good news for you.

   Her: Undress me with your words. Him: There’s a spider in your bra.

   When your fart smells like death and you’re waiting for your friend to smell it.

   Most of being an adult is whispering “f*ck this” while doing it anyway. 😏

   Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.

   You can’t leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution.