Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drivers ignoring winter conditions, may be subject to natural selection.

   “I want the truth!” Independent fact checkers, with the direction of the FBI, have concluded that you can’t handle the truth.

   Whistleblower comes forward with claims that strangers drag him from place to place, make him sign papers, read words on monitors and he hardly gets any ice cream.

   I was born a male and I identify as a male, but according to Stouffers portions, I'm a family of four.

   Jurassic World is about a pharma company that uses a DNA-altering pathogen to destroy farmland and deliberately cause a worldwide food crisis to force everyone to buy their products. Science Fiction is Fun!

   Your handwriting is just your hand’s accent.

   You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

   Lady: How did you fix that horrible annoying noise my car was making? Auto Technician: We simply removed your Taylor Swift CD and replaced it with Van Halen. 😎

   Apparently, “the vibes are off” isn’t a good enough excuse to leave work early.

   Cats are starting pyramid schemes and dogs are falling for them.

   Nothing brings more peace, when you stop giving a f*ck.

   An idea: “Broke Back Mountain 2” all female cast. This would smash all box office records.

   China Hut: People that don’t like cats, just haven’t had them prepared properly.

   Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.

   When you want to help people, you tell the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.

   When someone says, stop living in the past, I say, but the music was so much better then.

   Glad to see you’re not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.

   My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂

   If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

   You’re not really supposed to do this, but this is what I do. Me: Training a new person at work.